really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
