I haven't been this sober since birth.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
