He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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