just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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