I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
