So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
