We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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