rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
