just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
