No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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