I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
