Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
