she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
