I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
