I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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