Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
