life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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