How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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