Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
