"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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