He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
