I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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