mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
