I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
