dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wish i was in the wii world.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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