she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
