a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
