when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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