thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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