Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
