Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
