Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
