oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
