where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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