You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
