yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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