i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
