I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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