the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
