Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
please come you make the beer taste better
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
