Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
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