happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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