When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize