If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
