if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
