Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
