i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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