If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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