I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
