literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
