Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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