You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
