well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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