I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
