Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
