Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I will be naked everywhere
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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