it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
