I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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