My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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