I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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