she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
